As I’ve learned to heal from trauma, toxic positivity is one of the things I steer clear of most. Unfortunately, it’s become deeply ingrained in our culture, and it can be easy to miss if you are not in tune. Toxic positivity is essentially the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset.
While positivity is essential for a healthy life, it becomes toxic when it denies, minimizes, or invalidates authentic human emotions. I believe it’s quite common on the spiritual healing journey to encounter a phase of spiritual bypassing, where we can unintentionally fall into patterns of toxic positivity. In our pursuit of healing and growth, we may convince ourselves that we need to “forgive and forget,” believing this is the only way forward. However, this mindset often overlooks the importance of processing and honoring our true emotions as part of the healing process.
With that said, Here are 7 Common Phrases That Promote Toxic Positivity and What to Say Instead:
1. “Just Stay Positive!”
Why It’s Toxic: This phrase dismisses the complexity of emotions someone might be experiencing. It implies that positivity alone can solve all problems, which isn’t the case. It also casts judgment when someone is in the midst of dealing with difficult feelings (even if that person is yourself).
What to Say Instead: “It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling. I’m here for you.” Offering validation helps the person know their feelings are acknowledged and respected, opening the door for deeper communication.
2. “Everything Happens for a Reason”
Why It’s Toxic: So often people say this, meaning it to bring comfort, but it is actually very dismissive. It suggests that the person’s pain or struggle is justified by a greater purpose, which can invalidate their current feelings.
What to Say Instead: “I’m really sorry you’re going through this. How can I support you?” This shows empathy and offers a way to help them through their situation.
3. “It Could Be Worse”
Why It’s Toxic: Maybe, but that doesn’t mean you’re helping anyone by saying it. This statement compares someone’s pain to another’s, making them feel guilty about their emotions. It downplays their experience and can lead to feelings of shame.
What to Say Instead: “Your feelings are valid.” This reassures the person that their emotions are important and deserving of attention.
4. “Look on the Bright Side”
Why It’s Toxic: Again, this is dismissive of the person’s genuine emotions. Encouraging someone to only focus on the positive can prevent them from processing their true emotions. When we don’t process all of our emotions, that’s when it becomes trapped as trauma in the body, leading to more suffering in the future. It’s important to acknowledge all feelings, not just the positive ones.
What to Say Instead: “What you’re feeling is completely valid. Do you want to talk about it?” This invites them to share more about their experience without feeling judged.
5. “Happiness is a Choice”
Why It’s Toxic: Meaning depression is a choice? It’s not by the way. While yes, we do have some minimal control over our thoughts, more than 95% of our choices are dictated by the subconscious. Trying to minimize the reality that choosing happiness can be difficult can be very painful. This phrase suggests that if someone isn’t happy, it’s their fault. It overlooks the complexities of mental health and the influence of external circumstances.
What to Say Instead: “It’s okay not to be okay. We all have tough times, and it’s part of being human.” This normalizes their feelings and removes the pressure to feel happy all the time.
6. “You’re okay.”
Why It’s Toxic: This is a phrase I heard often as a child, and I cringe every single time I hear a parent say to their child. It’s incredibly dismissive, especially when children are feeling strong emotions. It dismisses the person’s current situation and suggests that their feelings aren’t accurate. This statement dismisses the person’s current pain, and it can make them feel unheard and unsupported.
What to Say Instead: “I’m here for you, no matter how long it takes.” This conveys long-term support and shows that you are committed to being there for them.
7. “Positive Vibes Only”
Why It’s Toxic: Another popular phrase that has made its way across popular culture, with good intentions at the heart, I’m sure. Yet, this phrase creates an environment where only positive emotions are acceptable, which can lead to the suppression of negative feelings. It’s unrealistic and unhealthy. It dismisses the lived reality of what it means to be human.
What to Say Instead: “All your feelings are welcome here. Let’s talk about what you’re going through.” This encourages open expression and creates a safe space for all emotions.
Understanding and Avoiding Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity is insidious to the human psyche and can be harmful because it invalidates genuine emotions and experiences. We’re spiritual beings living a very human existence, and honoring our truth is important for our healing and growth. Our world will continue to heal as we offer a supportive environment where all feelings are acknowledged and validated.
If you’ve found yourself embodying a bit of toxic positivity on your healing journey, show yourself some grace—it’s a common phase that many of us go through. And if you’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of dismissiveness, you may now understand more clearly why it can feel so hurtful. Let this awareness become part of your healing process, helping you cultivate deeper self-compassion and acceptance for every part of yourself—both the ones you’ve labeled “good” and those you’ve seen as “bad.” Every part of you has a purpose in your journey, and embracing them all is a step toward true wholeness.
Here are some tips to avoid toxic positivity:
- Acknowledge All Emotions: Recognize that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions, both positive and negative. This helps in fostering a healthy emotional balance.
- Listen Actively: Sometimes, just being there and listening can provide immense support. It shows that you care and are willing to understand their perspective.
- Offer Genuine Support: Instead of trying to fix the problem with positivity, offer empathy and understanding. This can be more comforting and supportive.
- Encourage Expression: Allowing people to express their true feelings can be therapeutic and helps in processing emotions. It prevents emotional suppression and promotes healing.
- Be Mindful of Language: Words have power. Choose your words carefully to ensure they convey support and validation. This helps in building a trusting and supportive relationship.
Positivity is powerful, but it becomes toxic when it dismisses genuine emotions.
By being mindful of our language and offering authentic support, we can foster a more compassionate and understanding environment. Remember, it’s okay not to be okay, and true support involves acknowledging all feelings.
