As I type this, I have over 100,000 combined followers on my social media channels. My ego clings to this, while my introverted nature loathes it. So, how did I get here? And why does leaving social media behind feel so hard?
I began my career in marketing over twenty years ago. As a child of trauma, I learned to adapt to my environment to fit in, but I also became an overachiever to prove my worth. As my career evolved, I honed my skills in digital marketing.
I started using social media before it became mainstream. I became an expert social media marketer as a way to bolster my résumé and stand out from the crowd. My accomplishments took me far. Yet, over the past few years, as I’ve stepped away from my career to focus on nourishing my body back to health, I’ve begun second-guessing the role social media plays in my life.
At first, sharing my journey online with strangers was an outlet. Then, as my follower count grew, so did my hopes of using that platform to create a business. But the growth in followers never translated to financial stability, and my resentment grew. I felt like I was bleeding myself dry—keeping up with trends, creating new content, engaging with people (and dealing with trolls)—and receiving very little in return.
Over the past year, I’ve experimented with my social media—from posting just quote images to sharing videos twice a week to ghosting it completely for weeks at a time. I’ve thought about deleting my accounts more times than I can count, but I haven’t.
Every time I get close to deleting, I feel like crying. The thought of all that hard work—the brand I built, the countless hours I poured into it—going down the drain overwhelms me. All my blood, sweat, and tears, with seemingly nothing to show for it. Yet, energetically, social media feels misaligned and holds me back. So why can’t I just let it go?
It’s easy to look at someone else’s life and say, “You should just do XYZ.”
If I talked with anyone in the energy-healing space, they’d tell me this is an energetic cord keeping me tethered to the past. Even the messaging on my social media channels doesn’t truly align with what I want to share anymore. Yet, day after day, I keep creating content. I am losing money and working to feed my ego.
I’m afraid to let go of something that feels “better than nothing.”
And that fear keeps us trapped. Sometimes we don’t even allow ourselves to recognize what we’re holding onto. So here I am, fully aware of my attachment but still finding it impossible to let go. Ironically, I’ve been talking about my desire to delete my social media channels on those very platforms. Yet, for now, it’s just that: talk.
I recognize that my life offers such limited opportunities for validation and recognition that I’m clinging to the little I do get. Is that wrong? No. It’s an entirely human thing to do. Yet, as a Wanderer on a healing journey, I know this goes much deeper. I know I might need to fully surrender in ways that many can’t even begin to fathom.
And that can feel very lonely in this human experience.
Let’s not gaslight ourselves into believing it’s all sunshine and rainbows, because it’s not meant to be. Pain is a catalyst for growth, and when we embrace and honor it, it takes us further. But when I write things like this, an emotionally immature inner critic whispers in my ear:
“Suffering is a choice.”
“You get to decide if you want to be happy.”
“Stop worrying about it and just make a choice.”
The human experience is complex, and I believe I’m here to experience its full complexity so I can make sense of it and help others. That’s my Human Design. This is the lesson I’m working through right now.
Can I make a living as a disabled, introverted, sensitive woman without social media?
